There is a specific ache that you get from chaos – not from the chaos around you; but the one within you. This chaos, this ache isn’t the one you wished for; not even the one you expected or were ready for. This is the one that life gives you as a full-blown surprise.
My friends told me once, somewhere in 2021 to 2022, I got so used to this ache, that I craved for it. While everything in my life went well; I looked for drama, I looked for the chaos, so that I get the ache from it. “Is this true?”, I wondered, “can’t be.” I replied.
Back then, I knew I was clinically depressed, I knew medication is going to make it worse; but there was a time, when everything around me was going good, calm. That is when I realized, what my friends think, me looking for drama, is actually me finding the chaos within. It is not on purpose. It is not even making me happy. It is giving me the kind of ache, I’d wish for no one.
This chaos is the one that is very quiet on the outside. People around you would feel you have healed because you look calm, silent but its only you who knows, you are numb. This numbness is worse, this numbness makes you feel vulnerable, helpless.
Helpless because you can’t ask for help. Your friends, family can see the calmness. Not so long ago, I was in Bengaluru for work. I moved to a new city, expecting, my chaos within would disappear. A lot of people told me it is bad decision, but I was determined to try and fail, rather than regret and succeed. In this city, I realized what the aches of chaos are. I felt panic for the first time. While I was in Mumbai; dealing with depression, I never felt panic or anxious.
Bengaluru made me experience – Depression, Anxiety and Panic all at once. The chaos within ached so much that I literally used to sleep on the floor to feel grounded.
You could see productive, smiling, laughing, happy people around you, but don’t misunderstand their smiles for ‘everything is okay’. We smile to hide the ache. We laugh to hush the panic. We are productive to keep the mind busy in something else. We are happy because no one can see the pain within.
What is causing this?
Is this something I am used to?
Am I doing it on purpose?
Trauma from the past. Distrust you have seen around. These could be the causes in my case.
I am used to the pain, the ache of chaos. It isn’t something I love, but I can’t remember a single day when I am not in the internal pain.
I hope, I am not doing this on purpose. This isn’t something I crave for. The truth also is that I don’t know how to behave if this is over.
These days, I am sitting with the ache. I am letting the chaos speak. Maybe you don’t have to fix everything. The chaos is just asking you to feel it, without any judgment.
Maybe that’s where the peace begins; not in silence but in surviving the aches of chaos.
Very touching. Thank you for sharing!