We all have that version of ourselves that is always good, always fine, doing great and has no complaints. I have this version, which I call as the ‘Faking Fine Mita’. This version of me always replies to, “How are you?” as “I am good and you?” She is functional. She texts back. She is also productive. But she is a lie.
The truth is sometimes I am not fine. But how do you respond to a question of “How are you?” as “I am not fine.” Is the world around you ready for that conversation. Recently, I started responding to this question with a “I am surviving, breathing and existing. I am alive.” To which people usually say in Hindi, “Nahi Ashmita, aise mat bolo.” (Translation – Please don’t say that, Ashmita.).
There are times, when I respond to the question with a big ‘FAKE’ smile, no words.
I have learned to fake fine like it’s a skill. This is easier than explaining what’s really going on. Trust me, I have seen people get awkward with the conversation when you tell them you are not okay.
The society rewards you for holding it together, even if you are already broken inside.
I go to work.
I crack jokes.
I post normal things.
I keep the machine running – because that’s what’s expected.
Honestly, there are days when I don’t even realize I am faking it. Then I collapse in the shower or snap over something trivial. I wonder, ‘where did that even come from?’.
Faking Fine becomes a reflex; a default setting in us while we are trying to give people what is expected.
I want to live in a world where “not fine” is allowed, acceptable.
Where you don’t have to apologize for having a bad day.
Where you don’t have to explain your sadness. You don’t have to defend why you are always tired. You don’t have to earn your right to be honest about your feelings.
Until that world exists, I am trying to be honest to myself about how I feel.
To notice when I am faking it.
To pause. To check in.
To ask myself what I need – really!
I deserve more than survival mode. And so does all of you.
